Selfish Love
by BeMyxoxo
Summary: In the wake of Beck and Jade's break-up, the natural order of the gang has been thrown out of the window. Beck and Jade just weren't right for each other... After all, their love was toxic, and two selfish souls should never intertwine. But can something so wrong feel so right? Bade Cade A bucket full of angst. WARNING: Dark themes. May be triggering to some.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious**

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><p>Jade leaned back against her locker, letting out a sigh. A few days ago, she probably would have ditched school. She would go to Beck's RV, to the one place she felt safe. It was her sanctuary. But now...<p>

"Are you okay, Jade?" the girl cracked open a single eye. Andre and Tori stood in front of her, concerned expressions plastered on their faces. But they didn't _really_ care, did they? No one cared about the Wicket Witch of the West. This place was full of actors, fake smiles and sugar coated words. But everyone loved Tori Vega. Sweet, kind Tori Vega who had the whole school wrapped around her finger.

"What's it to you, Vega?" Jade snapped back. The brunette held her hands up in defence.

"I was just trying to help." she huffed, her gaze softened though. "Jade, you have to let somebody in." she said softly. The paler girl let out a borderline hysterical laugh.

"Like who? You?" she smirked.

"Yes!" the Latina insisted. Jade rolled her eyes.

"Look, Vega... Tori," she sighed, her shoulders slumping. "I don't need any help, okay?" she tried to keep her voice calm, but she could feel the sarcasm slipping into her voice. Like a reflex.

Andre touched his friend's arm lightly.

"Come on, Tori. Let's go." he suggested, pulling her away, softly. Reluctantly, Tori allowed herself to be dragged away. Jade watched as they walked away.

Just like he had.

She didn't blame them.

: : : : :

Heavy combat boots thudded on the concrete. It never got below 50°F here in LA. So why did he feel so cold? Beck ran his hand through his hair, letting out yet another sigh. This is what he'd wanted, right? No more arguing, no more jealousy, no more... Jade.

"Hi Beck." Beck forced a smile as another Northridge girl waved flirtatiously. Ugh, did she have something in her eyes? Jade would never bat her eyelashes like that, nor tolerate such behaviour.

Jade.

How was she? They hadn't spoken ever since... well, Beck never thought it would happen. But this wasn't like their previous break ups. This had been more serious. More final. Words had been said and things had been done. Things that could never be forgotten, nor forgiven. And it seemed impossible, that Beck and Jade, could become anything less than that. Just Beck. And Jade. It seemed like heaven to the teenage girls of Hollywood Arts. It was hell to Beck Oliver.

Suddenly, Beck looked up. Consumed in his thoughts, he hadn't realised how far he'd wandered from his RV. He traveled a pathway so familiar to him, up the hill and past the block. To the big chestnut mansion where a dark angel lived. From behind the fence, he saw George peek out. The icy blue eyes reminded him so much of Jade. Smiling awkwardly, he waved at the boy who had become like a little brother to him. But the young child only gazed back sadly and ran back into the house.

I guess you really couldn't forgive the person who broke your sister's heart.

Sighing, Beck continued up the hill, to find another familiar face. He arrived a smaller house, but it was much brighter. And less intimidating. Hesitantly, he trudged up the driveway and rang the doorbell. Sweet brown eyes and red velvet hair greeted the door. For a moment, only silence hung between them. Then, she proceeded to close the door.

"Wait." he protested. "Cat-"

"You really hurt her, Beck." she whimpered softly. "You hurt all of us."

And with that, she silently shut the door.

She shut him off.

Like she had.

He didn't blame her.

: : : : :

Lunch became a dreaded hour. The group only sat in silence.

Beck didn't have an excuse to buy two coffees anymore.

Robbie and Cat didn't share their fries anymore.

Jade didn't reach over to steal Tori's pickles.

Andre no longer brought his keyboard or guitar to the table.

Even Trina knew to keep her distance.

And the shift between these five friends was reflected across all the students of Hollywood Arts. When the five main stars of the school were no longer setting an example for the others, everything was thrown out of balance. Who did they have to look to?

Tori always thought that each of her friends brought something special to the group. Personally, she liked to think of herself as the glue that held the group together, and brought some normalcy to these unique individuals. And now she could see what happened when one of these aspects was taken away. Nothing was the same, anymore.

Slowly, Jade began to pull away. She hardly came to lunch anymore, and when she did, she would sit at a separate table. Alone. Soon, Cat followed her. Then Andre. And Robbie. Beck and Tori were left to themselves. Andre tried to convince her to join them, but she had insisted that _someone_ had to stay with Beck.

But nothing could ever go back to the way it was.

Not as long as Beck and Jade were apart.

Not as long as Beck became an emotionless robot.

Not as long as Jade was broken.

: : : : :

"You okay, J?" Andre's tone was light, playful. But Jade could detect the poorly concealed caution.

"I'm fine." she replied blandly. Andre frowned.

"Jade..." cautiously, he pulled her into a hug. "It's okay. If you're sad, I mean." he tensed, waiting for a scathing remark, or a blow to the head.

"I'm not." Jade insisted.

And it was true.

She wasn't sad.

She wasn't angry.

She just felt... nothing. And to be honest, she _couldn't_ feel anything, even if she wanted to. Because Beck had taken that part of her when he left. The part that had learned to trust. The part that had learned to love. The part that poured emotion into her acting and singing. The part of her, that would pull her up again whenever that scared little girl would hide from her father's disapproving glare.

And so, Jade had retreated back into her shell. Putting up a shield of fierce glares and bitter insults. Rebuilding the walls that Beck Oliver somehow managed to tear down. And for a while, it worked.

And then it didn't.

Because _he _would always break through her walls, brick by brick. _He_ would always bring down her defence, so slowly that she wouldn't realise it. And _he_ would always be the one to break her again. _He_ was the reason she cried into her pillow every night. _He _always had to rise her up so high, just to knock her down again. _He_ always had to drive her to the edge, until she wanted to laugh and cry and scream.

He was the person she hated.

He was the person she loved.

He was the person she couldn't live without.

And he was the reason she slit her wrists.

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><p><strong>So I'm not sure if you noticed, but I deleted all the stories from my account. I didn't finish them anyways. So I'm going to try and stick to shorter stories.<strong>

**Tell me if you want another chapter!**

**~ IZ**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, I just really wanted to put up a new chapter... yeah... I have no life :(**

**Disclaimer: Victorious belongs to Dan Schneider and Nickelodeon**

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><p>If you asked her what if felt like to cut, she would say... it hurt. A lot. But it was the good kind of pain. Some people said that it doesn't hurt at all when you cut. But it did hurt. And it distracted her from the hurt inside. At least, it did. Years ago, when she would slice up her wrist day and night to ignore the pain that her father caused. But now... she did it just to feel... something, anything. Maybe to make sure she was still alive. On the outside, she seemed the same. Cold, bitter, heartless Jade West. But maybe... if you looked a little closer, you'd notice the way she hugged herself when she thought no one was looking. You'd notice that the ever present fire in her eyes was dimmed. You'd see how her confident stance seemed to lack energy.<p>

You'd notice how she picked at her food.

You'd notice how she spent extended periods of time in the bathroom.

You'd hear how she would flush twice.

You'd notice the prominent scent of mint on her breath each time she exited the bathroom.

You'd realise that she stopped wearing short sleeves.

You'd see the scars on her wrist.

: : : : :

The metal door creaked shut behind him. The multiple imprints of thick combat boots embedded in the door only brought back painful memories. Memories of arguments and inner turmoil. Memories of the nights she would break into his RV, crying. Memories of angry insults that never should have been said. But the most painful memories of all... the ones when they would lay down together and dream of a future. Where Jade would let down her walls, just for him and let her true personality show. When they were still happy. Those were the memories he liked best. And the most painful ones to think about. But love doesn't come without a cost.

Why did everything in this damn RV have to remind him of her?

Her boots still at the door.

Her makeup bag was still in his bathroom cabinet.

Her coffee mug hadn't been moved from his kitchen cupboards.

Her perfume still lingered in the air.

And he could still smell her scent in his pillow.

Without realising it, Beck swung his fist into the RV walls, making the pictures rattle. A dent was left engraved into the metal. Muttering a few curse words, Beck cradled his now swollen hand, wrapping a few tissues around it in a makeshift bandage. Using his uninjured hand to grab the house keys and open the door, the Canadian teenager quickly hurried over to the house where his parents lived. Fumbling with the key, he managed to open the door.

"Mom? Dad?" he called out. No answer. Then he remembered. His parents were at a dinner party. They wouldn't be back for a few hours. Sighing, Beck grabbed a pack of frozen peas from the fridge and hurried over to the closet and pulled out the first aid kit. From the case he grabbed the cloth bandages and began to wrap his throbbing hand.

Finally, Beck managed to tend to his wounded hand. Leaning back into the kitchen chair, he looked around. Most things looked the same, a few pieces of furniture had been moved around, but other than that, everything was as he had last seen it. On the dining table, an array of expensive table wear was alined. The only thing out of place was one of his dad's half-drunken vodka bottles.

Now, normally Beck tried to avoid alcohol...

But, a few sips couldn't hurt...

: : : : :

The first time they spoke after the break up, had been painfully awkward.

How had something so beautiful turn into something so broken?

"So..."

"Yeah."

Silence.

"Look, Jade I-"

"I've gotta go."

Why was there so much pain behind her eyes?

Why was there alcohol on his breath?

: : : : :

She watched as Cat's cheeked turned as rosy as her hair. She watched as Robbie chuckled awkwardly, strumming his guitar.

And for the first time in weeks, she smiled.

: : : : :

Cat had loved taking pictures of her best friend and her boyfriend.

Her favourite picture was of the couple when they had first gotten together in 8th grade. The group had gotten together for summer break and had taken a trip to Oahu. Beck's hair was shorter and Jade's brown locks were void of any streaks.

The couple was lip locked, completely oblivious to the camera.

This was the times that Cat loved.

When Beck and Jade were happy.

When everyone was happy.

Because Beck without Jade became cold and frozen. And because Jade without Beck became torn and unrestrained.

: : : : :

When the earthquake hit, Beck _wanted_ to grab Jade and wrap his arms around her.

He _wanted_ to hold her close and tell her that it would all be okay.

But he didn't.

Instead, he grabbed Cat.

Because he wasn't Jade's boyfriend anymore.

. . .

When the earthquake hit, Jade _wanted_ to reach out to Beck

She _wanted_ to feel his heartbeat as a source of comfort.

But she couldn't.

Instead, she protected herself.

Because Jade West didn't need anyone.

: : : : :

Trina's lips weren't nearly as soft as Jade's.

They didn't taste of coffee and vanilla.

And that's why he had to teach her a lesson.

Because even if they were broken up, Beck was still Jade's.

: : : : :

"Yes, tell us oh great Beck, who knows everything but how to keep a girlfriend happy."

"You hate being happy!"

That wasn't true. They both knew it. Jade had been happy when she was with Beck. She loved being happy.

: : : : :

Maybe, if he kissed Tori, he could feel something again. Something besides pain, and emptiness.

. . .

Maybe, if she kissed Beck, she could feel what she felt on that second day of Hollywood Arts.

. . .

Maybe, if they kissed, Beck and Tori would become the new power couple of the school. The perfect couple that everyone had been anticipating.  
>But he couldn't do that to Jade.<br>And neither could she.

: : : : :

Was it bad that he took Cat's fear as an excuse to wrap his arms around his ex-girlfriend?

. . .

Was it bad that she secretly enjoyed the familiar feeling of his arms sliding across her waist?

. . .

Was it bad that Cat purposely waxed off Jade's eyebrows just to see Becky and Jadey smile in secret?

: : : : :

When Beck found the original lyrics for 365 Days, he didn't say anything. Because Andre would never try anything, and Jade would never leave him.

But when Jade and Andre went to Nozu's together, for the first time in his life, he felt... insecure? Jealous? No. Beck never felt anything like that. That was Jade's job.

Why didn't Jade say anything, when Trina sat on his lap?

: : : : :

"You're really okay with it?"

"Yeah."

"That's... really cool of you."

Secretly, Beck's heart broke inside when Jade smiled up at him. Was she really okay with him moving on? Truthfully, no. She wasn't. But although she never said it, she wanted Beck to be happy.

Maybe Tori was the only one who could do that.

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><p><strong>I hope you liked it... <strong>

**- Iz**


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